I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
You left your phone here
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