I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Randomize
