I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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