just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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