i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
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Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
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