I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Randomize
