I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
