you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
