I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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