please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
