I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
