I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
