If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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