I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
