did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Randomize
