I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Randomize
