On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
