You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
