i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
