my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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