Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
