Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
