I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
My penis needs a shock collar
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
