Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
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