go do what you do best...puke behind churches
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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