She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
My ATM looks so different sober.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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