Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
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