i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
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