Only a mothe r could love this liver
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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