Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
