You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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