wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
