Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Randomize
