I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
