guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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