is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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