i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Randomize
