walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
