Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
