I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Do vagina's smell?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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