dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
