I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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