I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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