I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
