I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
