Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
