yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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