saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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