im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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