I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
