Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
