p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Randomize
