I'm so fucking centered right now
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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