I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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