best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
