I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
only if we run a train.
done.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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